Defensive partners
And four communication strategies that have helped me
Is your partner defensive?
I’ve had defensive partners too. I’ve also been the defensive one.
Defensive people don’t feel safe. It’s a self-protection strategy. They literally feel the need to defend themselves, even when we, our partners think it’s unnecessary.
Is it us or them?
For me, I had to take stock of what I was doing in the lead-up to their defensiveness. Was I coming in too hot? Accusations? Sounding critical?
And then, for them, did their defensiveness have anything to do with me? Was it simply learned behavior or were they projecting their unhealed crap onto me?
While there isn’t a way to control your partner’s reactions we can do our part to influence outcomes.
If you’ve read this far, here’s the payoff
For example, using (1) soft startups, as the Gottmans say, by easing into conversations is super helpful. You can reinforce to your partner that the reason for the conversation isn’t to criticize or to win at their expense; it’s the health of the relationship that is so important to you. And that their feeling of safety is critical.
Stay on a (2) single topic. Overwhelmed partners can become defensive partners.
Use (3) respectful language. Speak with tact.
And lastly, (4) use care around sensitivities and triggers. I’m not saying tiptoe around their eggshells. But show that you’re aware of their experience.
Ultimately, we’re talking about safety
While we can’t just convince someone we’re safe by telling them to trust us, we can encourage them through our words and actions that communicate we’re safe to be vulnerable with.